Termination: Automation

Text:/ Graeme Hague

All right, maybe my crystal ball needs a bit of a polish.

However, I can safely say that our dream obsession with the future over the last fifty years has been all about not having to do anything for ourselves. All doors will slide open (if not dematerialise altogether) when we’re detected as being close enough. Voice commands will control lights, music, the garden sprinklers – pretty much every electronic device you can imagine. Our futuristic ideal is basically an amalgam of every Star Trek episode from the original 1960s series. We used to think Captain Kirk’s communicator was an impossible dream. Now only Vodaphone subscribers believe that.

THE FUTURE IS HERE ALREADY

The AV industry is making it all happen today. The ability for centralised control of an entire spaceship – sorry, building – voice commands that can trigger anything from putting a Klingon on-screen to placing a burger made from recycled human waste on your plate, instant communication with anybody in the entire world… these are realities right now. Okay, maybe not the Klingon thing and we’ll not examine any burgers too closely. Still, the rest is real and things will only keep changing faster. In 50 years’ time we’ll be installing AV with Cat17 cable, there will be so much wi-fi in the air you’ll be able to fence your chooks in with it, and it’ll be possible to paint a new television onto any wall you want – and it’ll work. The commercial stations at least, unfortunately.

What’s more important is that we, as individuals, won’t have to do a thing. If we’re not carrying some form of remote control such as an iPad or tablet, it’s guaranteed that within reach will be a controller. In 2064 whenever somebody says ‘He wouldn’t lift a finger to help himself’ it’ll be quite literal. That’s all anyone will have to do – lift a finger – to achieve anything. Maybe speak loudly at the same time.

In fact, it’s a scary thing to look around your house and identify the things that can’t already be programmed, automated or remotely controlled somehow. Most things are just a silicon chip away from being wirelessly operated, too.

There’s another problem. A serious one. All this sedentary, Star Trek-like existence is supposed to also result in all of us looking svelte, fit and trim in those odd, space crew tracksuits, but that’s not happening. Obesity is an epidemic and dieting is almost mandatory.

AV & THE OBESITY CONSPIRACY

Which has led me to suspect a world-wide conspiracy involving leading AV manufacturers, network ‘smart technology’ developers and the diet industry. It’s not the kind of connection many investigative columnists might make, but you can’t deny a direct correlation between the modern-day emphasis on reducing physical interaction with our environment (like, pushing buttons) and the fact we’re all turning into fat bastards – a medical term I found on the internet. I can present as proof that I am personally on a diet myself. It’s called the 5.2 diet (I thought my wife was suggesting a new surround-sound stereo system, which is why I agreed to it a little too quickly) and for two days a week you’re only allowed 600 calories. Before you ask, I can tell you that 600 calories is equal to a deep breath of fresh air downwind from a pie van. That’s all.

So my conspiracy theory is born from intensive and exhaustive research on my part – or possibly a ridiculously low blood-sugar level. If I’m right and the research is accurate, we need to do something about it before we’re completely held to ransom by evil Weight Watcher-like corporations.

MOVE ALONG PLEASE

We need to make diets redundant. My idea is to install motion detectors inside and around any smart device or remote control. None of them will work unless you’re moving – burning calories. For example, if you’re sitting on the lounge watching TV and want to change channels, the remote won’t function unless you’re moving. Sit-ups, perhaps. Maybe bicep curls. Control stations on walls can’t be used until you’re jogging on the spot. Viewing fast food digital signage will require star jumps.

I have to write this fast, because I think someone from Jenny Craig will be bashing on my door soon – a door that will be worth a lot of money in 50 years, don’t forget.

Or maybe I should slow down and make a nice cuppa with a lot of sugar? I mean, like a lot.